Life In Progress

Neglect

2009-11-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

I've been neglecting posting here and I have no excuse. Life got crazy. I am going to try to get back to it. May-November highlights:

June and July-
* Caitlin was in the play Once on this Island. Fantastic show. She also worked and squeezed in some social activities.
* Brady had a good summer. She took piano lessons and we did a few fun outings here and there to keep her occupied.
* My health declined and a decision was made to do something about it!

August-
*Caitlin had her third spinal surgery. We are hopeful it will be her last.
*Caitlin began college.
*Brady began 7th grade.
*Late August I made the decision to quit my job. Working nights really took a toll on my health, physically and mentally. I was trying to do it all...work and then be available to my family when I wasn't. It was just too much.

September-October
*We went on our first cruise, and then spent a couple of days at WDW and the Nick Hotel.
*Brady got the swine flu, which although inconvenient...was not the end of the world.
*Halloween- Caitlin as Tink, Brady as Selena Gomez.
*I had surgery, with several benign tumors removed. Recovery is going slower than I like, but I am getting there.

Caitlin-A true life in progress

2009-05-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

Graduation Party...

Final choir concert...

Final dance show...

It all seems so final, finality of childhood. Caitlin had a great senior year...tomorrow is her last day of school. Surprisingly, I haven't cried yet. I am just so proud of her and so excited for her future. I know I have cherished her childhood and I don't have very many regrets or feelings that I wasted precious time with her. I am looking forward to seeing what she does with her life...now that it is hers alone to conquer.

Mother's Day gift- Brady

2009-05-10T07:51:00.001-07:00

For Mother's Day, I had asked the girls to each make me a painting. I asked that they think of what I enjoy, and that I would like them to incorporate a fingerprint of theirs into the painting.
This is Brady's painting...I absolutely love it!! I used the flash for the top photo which really shows how she put her whole handprint into the whale tail. In the bottom one (and the original), it's much more subtle and I actually searched for her fingerprint within the painting and had to ask her where it was. Melt my heart...I love it so much!

Another great Spring weekend...

2009-04-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

We created art from twigs found in the woods out back...

We roasted marshmallows with friends...

We dined on hummus, ceasar salads and pizza at the Mellow Mushroom...followed by a play.

We swang...

We hiked...and picnicked...and Brady freaked out over a tick that turned out to be of the harmless "freckle variety"...

Loving this beautiful spring weather and outdoor opportunties!!

Tattoo

2009-04-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Caitlin said it barely hurt at all...and as you can see it's not even red today! I was sort of hoping for "Hurt like hell...never doing that again" type response....LOL

Prom...Caitlin's pics

2009-04-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

Then she said she started having too much fun to take any more pictures...dang it!

Prom

2009-04-10T07:16:00.001-07:00

March

2009-04-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

In March, we spent a wonderfully beautiful day in Williamsburg, VA. I feel as if our days of being a family of four on outings are increasingly dwindling...so this was a much cherished day.

In March, Mason welcomed a new little sister...Tink. They bonded almost instantly. Tink is tiny and absolutely adorable!

In March, Brady turned 12. She invited a couple of friends to Build a Bear, then home for manicures, pizza and cake. At 12, she weighs 59 pounds and is 4 foot 8 inches.

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-05T09:26:00.001-07:00

We have been working this weekend on some Spring cleaning projects. Larry pressure washed the house, and we repainted the porch. It was a cool experience...having a big Southern porch to paint! We all worked together and then spent yesterday afternoon running errands in the bright sunshine together. Dinner was hot dogs fresh off the grill and we stayed outside until the sun went down working on a new fire pit for lots of marshmallow roasts this summer.

We ended the day staying up late watching Marley and Me...sharing a good family cry! It was the simplest of days but I was left with such a feeling of peace and comfort.

This move was hard on each of us for different reasons. I still have guilt over leaving the daycare children, Julia especially. It was not a decision made lightly. Ultimately though we had to make the move in the year that was best for Caitlin. We wanted her to have at least two years at our new location to acclimate herself to the area and friends before college.

Now we are coming in on our 2 year anniversary of our move here. I can honestly say now that we made the right decision. We love our house, though it is smaller than our CO house. In fact, it's the complete opposite. We have acres of land, woods to explore, neighbors who routinely sit on front porches and wander around chatting. Brady is able to go play for hours upon hours without us worrying. In this environment, Brady has blossomed. In Colorado she was known for making trouble just to have something to do...here she has the outlets she was obviously craving at her disposal. She is so much more "centered" and at peace here. Middle school has really been good for her too...she is open to exploring her interests and confident in her abilities. She now plays the trumpet and piano and wants to try out for cheerleading in the fall. For the past year or so she has been talking about marine biology and I am thrilled we now live in an area where we have many opportunities for her to explore that interest.

Caitlin too has just flourished here. She made friends almost instantly. She has been actively involved in school and community theater projects and choir activities. In the past few months, she has actually thanked us for making the move and says that she plans to stay here after college graduation (after almost a year of her being *sure she'd be running back to Colorado!). She feels at home here (although she says she'll be moving closer to the mall than we are currently!! :o) She is excited about graduating high school, having her first boyfriend, college, and just in general starting her new adult life. I couldn't be prouder.

Although my health has deteriorated some here, I can say that I am flourishing as well. I love my job, I love my home and I love the travel and recreation opportunities that I have here. I love that I can hop in my car and go to MD anytime to visit my mom. I love that I can be at the beach in less than 2 hours. I love that a long weekend getaway could include Disney World or NYC within driving distance.

We are doing well...and this Spring feels fresher and newer than ever before.

Redemption

2009-04-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Larry's response to the last post was "Didn't you tell me that these steroids may lead to irrational outburts and that I should just ignore them? Well, good then".

I feel compelled to share that he has cooked many meals in the past week when I wasn't feeling well...and cleaned up after them! He has been available to open med bottles I couldn't, pour my tea when my hand strength would have surely caused the entire pitcher to land on the floor, cut my meat for me, played with Brady endlessly to ease my guilt...ect...ect.

I guess he can stay.

In which she speaks ill of her husband...

2009-04-01T03:07:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Wife has not slept in over 25 hours, or well for 5 days/nights due to constant pain and stress for that matter.

EPOW- Goes to bed praying the steroids she began 12 hours prior have started taking effect so she can get her first pain free rest in 5 days/nights.

EPOW- 10:30pm-1:30am...lays wide awake listening to STBXH snoring blissfully.

EPOW- 1:30am-2:30am...attempts to sleep on the couch to get away from snoring STBXH, and kitten who is awake too and demanding attention.

Pain returns full force after failed attempt after about an hour.

EPOW- 2:30-3:00 Attempts to return to bed. Nudges and tells STBXH repeatedly to shut the hell up already! (in kindest way possible of course)

STBXH- Tells EPOW that he thinks she's gone crazy...because HE doesn't hear a THING.

EPOW- 3:10-5:45 In a valiant atempt to not smother STBXH (may need the child support) gets up. By light of microwave folds clothes, cleans kitchen, makes chowder for dinner. Makes school lunches, entertains various felines, Facebooks.

EPOW- 5:45, now in severe pain has no choice but to lay down in bed for relief...knowing alarm will sound in 15 minutes to get girls off to school.

STBXH- Redeems himself by rising from bed, kissing EPOW on forehead and saying "I'm sorry you've had such a difficult night sweetheart. Please, go to sleep! I will take care of the children!".

HA! That would be if I were dreaming...which I was NOT.

STBXH-5:47am Rises restfully from bed without a word, showers and dresses for work, leaves house exactly 1 minute 30 seconds before alarm sounds.

EPOW- Drags self out of bed. Decides to vent to absolutely no one in an attempt to keep self awake in order to (get rid of) send happy, rested children off to school.

Signed,
Exhausted Pissed Off Wife. Who will now take a Tylenol PM and sleep the entire day (one can only hope!) dreaming of his and hers master bedrooms...or front doors. Either way...

New Family Member

2009-03-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Our vet recommended we get an "exercise partner" for Mason...who has packed on a few pounds lately. Brady worked on Larry for about a month before he would give his okay...with the stipulation that she would earn half the money needed. He didn't realize how diligent and quick she would be about it!

Here are a few pictures of our newest addition, Tinkbell...Tink for short.

February

2009-03-03T07:51:00.001-08:00

Scans. Brady got the all clear for the year.

Caitlin turned 18.

Caitlin and Brady were in Evita. Caitlin's last high school performance.

My parents drove down from MD to surprise the girls and see the show.

Caitlin had her first injury and ER trip with stiches! I can't find that picture.

Evita- Final Bows

2009-03-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

Evita-Brady

2009-03-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

Caitlin is in this scene too...but it's so dark you can barely see her.

Evita- Caitlin

2009-02-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

Taking Nate

2009-02-16T05:29:00.000-08:00

I've been missing Nathan a lot lately. I think it's Caitlin's birthday (feeling sad that Nathan's life was cut far too short), and Brady's upcoming scans (realizing that I can't think oh, that would never happen to us!).

I wore a shirt to Nathan's funeral and I was sure that day I would never have the courage or desire to wear it again. A few months later though an event came up that I thought he would have enjoyed...so I put on "his" shirt and took him along with me. It was strangely comforting. He has "gone" with me now to plays, celebrations, parties, concerts...

We decided as a family to try to do more for the environment. We all got environmentally friendly water bottles to hopefully cut back on the cases of water bottles I was buying and throwing out per year. While shopping for the new water bottles, both girls happened upon these above and both expressed that even though they weren't the prettiest of the bunch they had to choose from...they felt they wanted them because they had "Nathan" printed on the bottom of the bottles. Both girls expressed that it made them feel a sense of taking Nate with them daily...and for Brady that encompasses Julia as well. For Brady especially, it has become a bit of a comfort item.

:::Edited to add...I realized when reading this post that when I took the picture of the water bottle I placed it at "Nathan's spot" on our dining room table of all places in our house. All the daycare children had their own "spot" at the table, and that was Nathan's:::

January Fun

2009-01-25T09:49:00.001-08:00

Below are pictures of the girls at the Celine Dion concert...Caitlin at dinner after seeing RENT with me...and Brady with her newest Build a Bear, Rose.

Brady- Scans

2009-01-11T17:41:00.001-08:00

I made the Brady's annual scan appointment this week. It's amazing how you can go from not worrying about it at *all...to nonstop madness in a blink of an eye.

Actually, this has been Brady's best year medically. She has only had two migraines and hasn't complained of daily headaches since July. I haven't heard any complaints of aura's or spots of double vision. Sounds good right?

So why is my brain going nuts? Is the improvement due to the increase of meds we decided on last May? Is she still experiencing headaches and spots and double vision...but just doesn't share anymore because there is nothing we can do so why bother? Has the tumor completely dissapeared and by May she will be medication and yearly scan free?

During the days I can put it aside, but the nights are filled with what if's I can not control or get to be quiet! I am working tonight 11-7. I just tried to nap for a few hours to prepare but could not sleep with all these thoughts running around. Maybe typing them out will be helpful.

February 19th can't come soon enough.

The New Year

2008-12-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to everyone!

When I was pregant and during the first year I was a mother...when I wanted time to just stand still it felt like this year was soooo far away. Now we are here, greeting 2009, the year our baby turns into an adult, graduates high school and starts thinking about her life outside of us. Wow. She is mature, capable and ready. I am not sure I will ever be.

I can honestly say these past 18 years have been the best of my life. I *love being a mother, and the day to day mothering and nurturing. I just cannot believe it's almost over for one of my girls. Last years resolution was to make the most of this last year with her, to build memories and cherish the moments. I am happy to say that I have suceeded, I actually made a resolution and stuck with it! I will continue that now as a lifestyle choice as best I can.

Christmas Trip Pictures

2008-12-30T16:04:00.001-08:00

Build a Bear

2008-12-20T07:55:00.000-08:00

For some reason, Build a Bear represents childhood innocence to me. I know our days are numbered. In fact, while Brady was thrilled to be surprised with a trip there last night, she asked if I would tell the "stuffing gal" to not make her jump and down, turn three times and kiss the heart. As you can see above...she still had a really good time!

Brady-Band Concert Pic

2008-12-10T03:52:00.000-08:00

Brady is the back row, fourth from your left. A small live clip will be coming in the next day or so for the truly committed ones of you! :o) She did great, it was nice to see her so engaged, excited and proud.

Please don't forget me!

2008-12-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

This morning with my nervous type child...

Brady: "Mom, please don't forget to pick me up at 4:00 at school. *Exactly 4:00."
Me: "Okay, I'll be there"
Brady: "I'm serious mom! If I get picked up late she won't let me stay after to help with the band anymore! You *have to pick me up right at 4:00"
Me: "I hear you Brady, I'll be there"
Brady: "Are you sure you'll remember?"
Me: "Have I ever left you at school or picked you up late?"
Brady: "No...but I just need you to know how important it is that you don't forget!"
Me: "I will be there, I promise!"
Brady: "Okay, 4:00...exactly 4:00"

20 minutes later as she's walking out the door...
Brady: "Bye mom"
Me: "Bye squirrely, have a good day!"
Brady...hesitates standing halfway out the door...
"Mom, you won't forget about this afternoon will you??"

Rambling...

2008-12-04T18:08:00.000-08:00

Work has been crazy busy lately. Working nights is both a blessing and a curse...yet after working 4 nights in a row (two being doubles!) it feels more like a curse than a blessing and given the work I do...I would prefer feeling more blessed to be there!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. We spent the entire day in our pajamas. We played games, watched movies, cooked together and ate great food. Everyone was in relaxed, good moods and it was a near perfect day.

I am really enjoying our Christmas tree this year. I always enjoy them...but for some reason this year I feel even more peaceful and appreciative when I sit each night with the fire and tree going.

We ordered Caitlin's cap and gown yesterday. It feels like a moment ago I was ordering birth announcements! I am so very proud of her, and most days I am handling it all better than I expected to. I have loved every moments (okay...maybe there was a few I could have lived without!) parenting her for the past 17 years and am looking forward to seeing what she does with her adult life.

I have always been concerned that Brady lacks "drive" or "passion". She was perfectly happy to just go about her life with no real extra's. I am glad that recently she has been considering lots of ideas she'd like to explore...gymnastics, horseback riding lessons, tennis lessons, DRUMS!! I tried to ignore the drum comments/longings the first half dozen times thinking it would pass...it's not. Not only does she desire to play the drums...she wants to play them in the jazz band. How does one even *learn to play the drums anyway?? Is there sheet music??

Today Brady and I were in the van driving home from her orthodontia appointment switching between two radio stations that both carry Christmas music. A song from Transiberian Orchestra came on the first channel. I clicked over to see what our other choice was and it was Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song. I left it there, assuming that is the one she'd prefer. She immediatley asked me to put it back to the other. She closed her eyes and listened silently the entire song. Any of you who know Brady well...know that her and silent don't go together. I was amazed and happy to see her so peaceful and in the moment with the music.

Tomorrow we'll be attending Caitlin's final Chrismas performance. It will be a full Christmas feast, followed by a huge program featuring all the dance, theater and choir students from the school. I am grateful that we were able to find this school for her during our move that enveloped her in the arts she loves. I am looking forward to being with her tomorrow, watching her perform and do what she loves to do.

I guess that is enough rambling for tonight!

Friends

2008-11-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

Friends come into our lives for a lifetime...or a short while. My hope for my girls is that they leave this world having meant something special to many.

Good news all around!

2008-11-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

Caitlin had a follow up with the surgeon yesterday. She is officially "clear" to do all normal activities! We don't have to go back for three months! We were on cloud nine the rest of the day. We celebrated by having lunch out (Bear Rock Cafe) and working on our Disney itinerary. To add to the good news theme, I was able to save a substancial amount of money on the trip this morning by changing to the resort the kids *really wanted! It wasn't available when I originally booked.

Brady came home with her best report card *ever yesterday. I am so proud of her. She took to middle school so well! It also appears her "friend" issues have been resolved. I knew they would. If the other mom had let them handle it on their own, they may have learned more from it though and it would be have ended so much sooner. What can you do?

Caitlin auditioned for the school musical, Evita, this week. Hopefully more good news to come on that early next week. She is excited to actually have a doctors approval to dance now. She was concerned the teachers may take her physical limitation into consideration during role selection.

Updated to share that Caitlin was cast today in Evita! They have their first cast meeting today, I am expecting her to come home on a great theater high!

November Memory Share

2008-11-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

I have several November memories on my mind...so there might be more than one posted. Two Thanksgivings ago we took Brady to NYC to visit the Gentry family while Nate was in the hospital. We'd been separated for a few months and we were missing Julia something fierce (we still are!).

I so enjoyed watching Julia and Brady walking down the streets of NYC, holding hands the entire time. They so enjoyed their time together, it was precious to witness. I remember when Luke joined us for the day, we let Brady and Julia sit together at a table next to ours by themselves since as a group we were too large for one table. I saw Luke hesitate for just a second when I told them they could do that...but then I think he enjoyed seeing Julia a new "bigger girl" role enjoying her meal with a friend sans parents.

This picture was taken in Central Park.

This same weekend, I had my one and only regret happen concerning my time with Nathan. I know that I appreciated and cherished every moment I had with him. I still can pull up a physical memory of him coming up to me on many an occasion and doing his little "lean into" motion. He wasn't really a hugger by nature, with me anyway...but I could always count on a Nathan "lean" a time or two when we were together. He would just come over and lean against my side, then I would lay my hand along his other side and pat his hip and kiss his little head.

When Nathan was given a pass to leave the hospital and join us for dinner, he and Luke arrived at the Ronald McDonald house. I regret that as soon as he (cautiously, timidly) walked towards us I asked him for a hug. He attempted to just ignore what I had said, and stupidly I asked *again! I made him uncomfortable, and Susan uncomfortable when she urged him to comply. In that moment, I felt about two inches tall and I wish I could take it back. Thankfully, he soon came to just sit between Larry and I...and he leaned into me for a moment. He was a leaner and I wish I hadn't made him uncomfortable in that moment to ask for what *I wanted instead of what was best and right for him.

We brought him a lego something or other...this picture is of Larry helping him put it together at the RMH.

WDW

2008-11-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

When asked which she would prefer, a trip to NYC with her choir or a trip to WDW with me and her best friend and mom...Caitlin chose WDW.

We've been lucky as a family to have been able to take Caitlin to Disneyland three times, WDW twice. I have loved those trips, just watching her be a carefree child with no plan for the day except nonstop FUN! As my months with her full time are coming to a close, I am thrilled that she wants to go to WDW with her old mom for a week.

I booked the trip last night, 7 days and 7 nights (for the price of 4, thank you very much!!) to just soak up the memories and time spent together. To act silly and stay up way too late. To be carefree and appreciate the moments. To remember days spent by her side in the PICU, and being grateful they are in the past. To celebrate our relationship...it's been the best 18 years of my life.

Strange Halloween

2008-11-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

Halloween was odd this year. Of course, there was the fact that we spent most of the day at the hospital...despite the fact that Caitlin's post op nurse was dressed as a black cat.

Brady dressed as a Bronco football player, but didn't TOT. She handed out candy with a friend at the end of the driveway. We only had about a dozen or so kids stop by. It just didn't feel as carefree and festive as previous years. Perhaps actually having a child excited and particaptory in the event was what made it so much fun for us as parents. It was sort of a sad feeling...but I couldn't put my finger on if it was sad because of what we went through with Caitlin, or the fact that our lives as parents of small children is coming to a close.

I got pictures of the girls this year on Halloween night...they are both pitiful shots which actually matched my mood for the day.

Caitlin's Surgery

2008-10-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

My pictures won't load in order...obviously the last one is the "before" shot!

Caitlin is home and doing well. They found another troublesome spot, so he went ahead and took out two screws while he was in there. She has two small incisions. In recovery, her BP and oxygen levels were low...but they sent her home anyway. It seemed so strange to take her home so soon after surgery! Her numbers continue to be on the low side, I am watching them closely.

She slept for a bit, and is now up. Her throat is really dry and she is trying to sip some tea now. She's on percocet so she's not hurting.

I wish I was a kid again

2008-10-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today Brady and I were at Target. Walking by the infant/toddler section she spotted a tiny pair of gingerbread men pajamas, complete with matching robe. She ooohed and ahhhed for a few seconds. Then, with a deep sigh...and complete sincerity, emotion, and sadness said...

"This is so adorable. I so wish I was a kid again..."

Four Months Ago

2008-10-30T05:29:00.000-07:00

Four months ago, Caitlin had spinal fusion surgery. Tomorrow we will be back at the hospital for a second surgery, this time much less intense than the last. Still...I am already expecting the smell, sights and sounds to remind us all of what she went through in June. It was an awful two weeks. I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and easily for her.

Caitlin's Easy Street Performance

2008-10-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

Nice Girl or No?

2008-10-23T03:37:00.000-07:00

Caitlin is a "nice girl". She is calm, level headed, and will go out of her way to avoid conflict. She is a peace maker and ignores others bad behaviors easily.

Brady...not so much. Brady is not going to take crap from anyone. She will stand up for what she thinks is right and expresses her views on the matter in a way that even makes us parents start believeing her side some days! Brady is a "nice girl" about 90% of the time...but when she feels challenged or threatened, she's not going to take it quietly.

Twice this week I have gotten phone calls from the mother to inform me when Brady isn't being "nice". When the truth came out, it was that this other child had been calling her names (Stupid, retarded) and she told him to stop. He didn't listen, so she in essence she told him to shut the hell up. So we told her that was inappropriate to say, that she needed to be responsible for her actions, to ignore him. She insisted that he would not stop, so we told her not to play with him anymore then.

Okay, secretly once she left the room Larry and I were exchanging words along the lines of "Good for her!!".

Last night I got a call that her saying she wasn't allowed to play with him anymore hurt his feelings. @@ Brady again, was deemed the "mean girl".

How do you raise a "nice girl"...while also instilling in your daughter that she doesn't have to take crap from anyone? Telling a child to just sit there and ignore the other person while they verbally assault her....that is *not a message I want to give my daughter. I wouldn't sit around while someone did that to me...why should I expect it from my child? If my child's husband one day did that...I don't want to give a message that that behavior is okay and just sit back and take it.

But for now...how do you explain to an 11 year old to be "nice" and yet strong which will come across as "mean"?

Caitlin spoiled us...she was too easy. I will say that I think Brady's attitude may serve her better as an adult. As a child...I just don't know what to do and I am tired of getting phone calls telling me how awful my child is. I know Brady isn't perfect (who is?), but we think she's a great child with many wonderful qualities who we dearly love.

Fall Getaway Pics

2008-10-19T15:09:00.001-07:00

Small Improvement

2008-10-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

The new antibiotic is working! How I wish we had started that one on Monday. Brady would be good as new by now if we had. :::sigh:::

Brady is feeling better today, though I think that cough is going to hang around for quite some time. I took her to run some errands knowing she needed to have a little push to get up, dressed and moving in order to get out of the "I'm sick...I'll just lay here for the rest of my life" sickness rut. She did fine while we were out, but promptly curled back up in the chair upon our return home.

We had plans to go the mountains this weekend. We had lots of hiking and vigorous activites planned. We didn't want to cancel the trip, the girls have been so looking forward to it. Instead we will just drive the Blue Ridge Parkway enjoying the fall leaves and mountain views. We'll picnic, and wander the downtown area near our hotel just enjoying being a family of four again.

My poor baby...

2008-10-16T11:55:00.001-07:00

We are on day five with no improvement. Despite Zopenex via nebulizer every 6 hours, Prednisone, and a change in antibiotic from Augmentin to Zithromax. We've been at the ped twice already this week. She is back under 60 pounds.

She actually just fell asleep in this position. She is extremely anti-nap so I feel this is not a good development.

My First Grandchild...

2008-10-15T09:19:00.001-07:00

Caitlin is taking a teen living class this semester. Their assignment was to "make a baby" using pantyhose, wood chips and grass seed. The goal is to bring it back in a couple weeks with a full head of healthy "hair".

May I introduce my first grandchild...at least it has her blue eyes...

Not what I was expecting...

2008-10-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

Brady has had a cough/cold for about two weeks. It was just a general, run of the mill cold so I didn't pay much attention other than offer comfort measures. This weekend though her cough changed, she started running a low grade fever and fell asleep while running an errand in the car with Larry.

I took her to the ped this morning just to be on the safe side. Also, to get a free pass so today would be an excused absence at her school. Don't get me started on that mess!! The ped diagnosed a sinus infection (nothing new for Brady, I like that diagnosis...quick fix!).

Then the ped took a listen to her lungs and heard lots of wheezing and crackles! Ugh...all three of us were so disappointed. She hasn't shown signs of asthma for years! They did a neb treatment in the office which brought her pulse ox up a couple notches, but did nothing to decrease the crackles.

Now I am about $100 poorer...$75 for meds, $25 for things to comfort the two of us...new slippers and gatoraide for her...some tylenol and adult beverages for me!

Did I mention Larry is out of town for a week and the neb treatments need to be every 6 hours including through the night? (poor me!)

A Favorite Fall Memory

2008-10-10T13:19:00.000-07:00

When I had the daycare, I had a Halloween party each fall. This memory comes back to me often. Nathan wasn't feeling the greatest on this day, but he had a blast anyway. Brady and Julia were in full on mode that day, full of energy and excitement.

An hour before the party was due to be over, Nathan has finally used up his reserves and started to slow down and need a break. Brady and Julia did not even blink when I suggested that we stop the fun and sit down to watch a Halloween video. I know they would have rather been in the playroom romping around...but they both happily sat down with Nathan because they knew that is what he needed. Such selflessness and empathy...it was a special moment for me. As Nathan laid his head on Brady's back, she looked back at him and smiled, then they went to watching the movie together. So precious. Loving Nathan taught us all such incredible lessons. I don't believe any of us will ever stop missing his presence in our lives daily.

Random Things

2008-10-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

1. This is the first year in 17 years of parenting that I haven't bought a Halloween costume.

2. My baby drove off on her own earlier this week. I handled it better than expected. She did great, and was rewarded by us allowing her to take Brady to the Homecoming parade and out for dessert afterwards. I hear they had a great time together.

3. It felt very odd to be alone with my husband in the house while both children were out without parental supervision!!

4. Caitlin's second surgery is scheduled for October 31st. It should take about two hours, and we should be home sometime that afternoon.

5. Brady and her friend are planning to hand out candy together for Halloween. I'll order some pizza's since we'll be at the hospital all day and hopefully they will have a good time.

6. Our holidays are slowly being redesigned as our children grow up. We've allowed them full participation in the changes. Our parents never gave us input...I wonder which is more "normal".

7. I applied to a college this week, seems crazy at my age. My goal is to get my RN by the time Brady starts high school. I've so appreciated that I was able to be available to my girls 24/7 so far, but am looking forward to this new phase of life and glad I will have a new passion to throw myself into once they are both grown. It feels a bit selfish still though...

Caitlin

2008-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

Caitlin got her official license this week and her car is now registered and ready to drive. Eeek! The procedure she had done on her back last week did not work. She will be having another surgery in a few weeks to repair the damaged screw/wire. She is not happy about this, but hopefully the recovery will be quick and she can fully move forward from all of this.

Caitlin got her first job this week at Subway. This isn't a great shot, but it's of her first night. They need to order her shirt in a smaller size, they only had large!

A Day at the Zoo

2008-09-28T13:54:00.001-07:00

Outside In

2008-09-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Brady and her friend Carly wanted to sleep in the backyard in a tent tonight. It was too wet and soggy for that, so they pitched the tent in the kitchen/dining room.

Shots, shots and more shots

2008-09-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last week I got a letter from the middle school stating Brady was behind on her vaccinations. Oh no, I thought...they are mistaken! I have always been so diligent about this. When I arrived at the peds to get a copy of her records...I was upset to find that in the process of moving last year somehow Caitlin's shot records had been put into Brady's file. For the past year and a half they've looked at *Caitlin's shot records and declared Brady free and clear.

Nevermind that looking at the record it clearly states that most of the vaccinations were given from 91-97, 6 years before Brady's birth!

I got the right records faxed to us from Colorado, then took them to our ped here to see what she needed. Brady now has an appointment on Friday to get THREE missed vaccinations, plus the flu vaccine. Anyone want to volunteer to break that news to her? I'll have to see if Larry owes me a favor...I just do not want to do it! I am not a bribing type parent...but I may have to come up with something fun afterwards to take the sting out of it...no pun intended!

Speaking of needles...Caitlin will be having her procedure done tomorrow. The area on her back hurts when you lightly brush your hand over it...I can't imagine having an injection there. She'll be getting her flu vaccine on Friday as well.

When they were tiny and oh so innocent...I always felt so guilty putting them in their carseats for the trip to the doctor for shots. They happily cooed and smiled at me with such trust. I always felt like such a traitor!

I love being a mother, and I know I will be so sad when this day to day parenting is over...but I will not ever miss the days that I had to put a child of mine in the car to drive them somewhere when I knew they were going to hurt and scared when we arrived. I hate it.

Rambling

2008-09-23T13:47:00.001-07:00

Just a few things going through my head...

I am now post-all embarrasing and painful diagnostic testing. Nothing but a harmless cyst! Whew...what a relief!

Caitlin is still hurting but will be having a procedure on Thursday to hopefully eleviate her pain. I am amazed at her. Even though she is so much pain she jumps when I touch her to put on her medicine...she continues to enjoy her life. She went to a football game with friends last week, she has choir rehearsal daily and will be autidioning for the talent show at school tomorrow.

Brady continues to enjoy North Carolina. Of all of us, she has adjusted the best. She spends hours daily outside playing with her friends all over the neighborhood. Although we lived in a nice area in Colorado, we couldn't allow such carefree freedom. She is so much more centered and calm here.

My work stress is less. I am glad I stuck it out, as the bumps with scheduling are working themselves out all on their own. I'm still hoping to go for my RN this winter. I am going to take it slow but it will feel good to be moving forward with it.

Caitlin's Car, Nathan's Touch

2008-09-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

We got Caitlin a car today. She came home, washed it, and immediately changed the front plate to the one she bought the week after Nathan passed away. She loved it because she says it has a bit of him (John Deere!) and a bit of her (pink!). She's been waiting to put it on her car and says she feels like this way she can take a bit of him with her.

9/11-7 years ago

2008-09-11T07:35:00.001-07:00

A picture we took at the Firefighters Memorial at Memorial Park in Colorado Springs the day after 9/11, 7 years ago. It's not a clear photo but you can clearly see that Caitlin knew exactly what had happened...and Brady was innocently unaware.

TGIF Rambling

2008-09-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

The celery showed up! I found it in the cheese drawer this morning...I *know I checked there twice during my rampage. I think Caitlin or Larry found it somewhere...but both are afraid to upset me again to tell me that! I had already replaced it so we'll be having a *lot of celery this week!

I went to the doctor today. She confirmed the lump and set me up for a mammogram/ultrasound to figure out what it is. The last time this happened we were in Colorado. I had such a great relationship with my breast surgeon there. I am nervous to start this journey here without Dr. Pomerenke!

Caitlin suddenly had intense pain earlier this week. We paid a visit to her surgeon who informed us that a coil has come loose. She cried last night when I put the anti-inflamatory gel on the spot. Our hope is that if we can get the area to settle down, the bone graft will graft over the coil and we can avoid another surgery to fix it. The thought of her having to have another surgery is sickening, I really hope this works.

Brady is thrilled with herself. Caitlin gave her piano lessons this summer, so she was able to sail through her first two weeks of band when they just learn the notes on paper. She will be taking her trumpet to school on Monday. I hope she learns fairly quickly. Caitlin has such a great apptitude for music. She was playing the violin and piano without making us suffer within days. I'll update next week as to how we are all fairing when Brady starts practicing the trumpet daily.

We are all hunkered down tonight to wait out Hanna. We are expecting a ton of rain and some fierce wind from about 2am until mid day tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to staying in our jammies all day. If we don't lose power, we should be able to have some fun playing games, watching movies and eating good food all day.

Brady- Blond Moment

2008-09-05T04:03:00.001-07:00

Last night Brady asked to go to her friends house, to help her make some posters since the friend has signed up for student council.

Me: "Sure, have fun! Why didn't you sign up for student council?"

Brady: "I thought it would be too much with all my homework and band rehearsal."

Me: "I am glad you are putting your work first, but being involved in your school is important too!"

Brady: "Oh, I understand that. I am going to sign up to be a part of the student body instead"

Brady has too many blond moments to be a brunette...

Celery insanity

2008-09-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

I've been very stressed this week...to name a few items...

I haven't had to deal with breast issues for a couple of years. I've had some troubling symptoms lately and the emotional stress involved is tremendous. No, I haven't made a doctors appt. I struggle between "catching early" and "I don't want to know, thank you very much".

Work is a bit stressful. I am either working nonstop...or not at all. I absolutley love the work I do. I want to be doing it full time. Working nights though on a sporatic basis is very hard on the body and mind! When I work full time I feel like I am not living...just working and sleeping. When I get a break from work...I feel like I don't get to know my patients and their families well enough to provide the type of quality care I want.

Caitlin's senior year. She is such a good girl but I have had several say to me lately...you just wait. This is the year she will pull away and get obnoxious. I don't want to *expect that!! I want to expect that she will continue on the path she is...highly involved with good experiences, good friends and looking forward to a bright future.

I've been thinking of Nathan a lot lately. I feel like I am grieving fresh all over again...for the loss of his life, his parents pain, Julia and Lauren. The year of "firsts" is over, I thought it would get easier. I actually had a couple months this Spring/Summer when I had a quiet acceptance. Where I could look at his pictures, or his little hat on my night stand and not feel sadness/anger. Waves of grief takes on a whole new meaning.

So today I went to the grocery store. I came home and was putting away the groceries when I realized the celery I bought hadn't come home with me. I franctically (insanely) searched the fridge, freezer, pantry, bags, trunk of my car...then the fridge again to find it. Realizing I had indeed left it behind...I stood in my kitchen and sobbed. Over celery.

Of course not over celery...

Senior Pictures

2008-09-01T10:29:00.001-07:00

Safety 101...or not!

2008-08-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

When Caitlin was an infant, I checked to be sure every pajama was frame retardent. You know, just in case the crib 6 inches from my own bed might self combust one night!

When Caitlin was a toddler, I made sure that each toy had no parts that she could easy swallow...or worse lodge in her throat and stay there!

When Caitlin was a preschooler...I carefully selected her art supplies. No stainable qualities. Check. No lead. Check. No paint brushes with points that could impale if she chose to run instead of paint. Double check.

All along, I made sure she had the best quality carseats. I made certain that she wore her swimmies at all times. Okay, so that was selfishly so I could bask in the Hawaiin sun carefree while she swam in the kiddie pool...but still! No blinds had strings just waiting to hang a small child. All sockets were properly outfitted with plastic safety plugs.

From the moment I got pregnant, I have been spending enormous amounts of time and energy making sure that the things I chose to introduce into her world were safe. I would have bubbled wrapped her on occasion...were it not for the suffocation hazzard!

So why on earth am I about to go shopping tomorrow to perhaps buy her a vehicle in which she could *easily kill herself??? It doesn't seem right...not one tiny bit.

Brady

2008-08-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

Brady is beautifully complicated. Caitlin's name means "pure"...and her personality fits her name well. When choosing Brady's name, we were intriqued that her name meant "spirited". We thought that was just what we needed...some spunk and spirit in our quiet little family.

Uhhh...we got it. And, then some!

Brady is spunky and fiesty. She has an incredibly quick sense of humor, and *usually uses it for the good. She loves to be creative and be doing something. No doubt if she is watching TV...she also has a word search on her lap, or is working oragami, or some other arts and craft. Her mind is constantly busy. I am grateful that she's not the type of kid who doesn't know what to do with that excess energy...she knows exactly what she needs and finds a way to do it.

Brady is incredibly sensitve and good with children her age and younger. She has impressed us and many another parent with her ability with their younger siblings. She gravitates towards toddlers in a way that amazes me. She has such great empathy and they all respond well to her.

With is surprising because she really doesn't do so well with people older than her. She is not the type of child who just goes with the flow...she wants to know why...she wants to be in control of her experiences. As an adult, I think this attitude will serve her well...but it's hard to parent a child who sometimes thinks she's got it all figured out!

Brady has overcome several medical obstacles in her life. My hope is that the worst is over now. I am so thankfull that she outgrew the peanut allergy before middle school. What a relief to send her to school this week without needles and scaring the crap out of all her teachers.

Brady is our tiny ball of fire, and my love for her is overwhelming. I never wanted more than one child. She has proven to me that it can be done...and done well. You can love more than one child. Not equally...but with the same amount of passion and concern. Brady has opened my eyes to new things I would have otherwise never have known. Being her mother is an honor and though she is harder to parent than Caitlin...I am up for the challenge and ready to do whatever I can to help her rise to be the wonderful woman I know she will become.

Blog in progress...

2008-08-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

Just trying to figure this all out at the moment. I doubt anyone would ever read anything I wrote...which may be a good thing! :o)